And the Winner Is…
In a somewhat startling announcement, the Downtown Athletic Club awarded the prestigious Heisman Memorial Trophy to President Barack Obama. Usually the Heisman is given to college football's best player and Obama is the first non-athlete to ever win the award. At a ceremony this morning Club president Reginald Smithton said President Obama received this award for "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen and support college football" and specifically cited Obama's suggestion that the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) hold a college football "playoff" to determine a national champion for its top teams, commonly referred to as Division 1-A. University of California at Berkley spokesman Summer Bryant praised the decision of the Downtown Athletic Club. "I remember when President Obama suggested a playoff. Our athletic people were blown away man. In retrospect it seemed so oblivious but nobody ever thought of it. After all, like, all the other NCAA football divisions, Division III, Division II, and Division 1-AA already have playoffs and the NCAA Division I-A men's basketball playoff, also known as March Madness, is wildly successful. But nobody could connect all the dots and see the possibilities. I guess only a man as smart as President Obama could come up with such a revolutionary idea.
Of course, as with everything associated with a political figure like a President, Obama's winning of the Heisman Trophy was greeted with criticism in some quarters. University of Florida booster Jimmy Bob "Buck" Allen condemned the announcement in harsh language. "How many yards or touchdown passes has that skinny runt gained this season? Not one I'm telling you. We've got a guy here at UF (University of Florida senior quarterback and past Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow) who could run rings around that old man. Hell, Tebow's already won two national championships and he's a good Christian to boot. That has to count for something." Well apparently not with the Downtown Athletic Club. Club president Smithton recognizes that awarding the Heisman to Obama could be considered controversial by some but urged college football fans everywhere to embrace Obama as the reigning champion. "To simply award the Heisman to the best college football player is typical of the old, discredited ideas of the past."
Trivia buffs and barroom hustlers might want to take note of the fact that at age 48 President Obama is by far the oldest man to win the Heisman Trophy. Typically the Heisman is awarded to college juniors and seniors who are usually between the ages of 20 to 24. The record for oldest Heisman Trophy winner was previously held by Florida State University quarterback Chris Weinke, who won the award in 2000 at the age of 28.
And if the latest rumors floating around Trump headquarters turn out to be true, the Heisman Trophy might not be President Obama's last prestigious award this year. Accordingly to anonymous sources, the Miss Universe Organization is considering stripping reigning Miss Universe Stefania Fernandez of Venezuela of her crown and bestowing the honor on President Obama. To quote one source, "Obama's thin and he cuts a dashing figure. He'd fit in well with our pantheon of winners." For unknown political considerations, our source tells us that President Obama would reign as Miss Kenya.