Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Righteous Lib

Our Finest Hour
I've know for a long time that you stupid Republicans were out of ideas but now only an idiot would still believe the Grand Old Party has something worthwhile to offer.  Since criticizing my man Barack's programs is impossible, these lunatics are trying to dump on our greatest President ever over stupid stuff like this.
Yep, the white racists have nothing of importance to say so they're all hacked off because Barack sent a bust of Winston Churchill back to those sad ass Brits.  First of all, who wants a bust of Winston Churchill's ugly mug staring them in the face every morning when they go to work anyway?  Barack rightly chucked that one in the trash and put up one of Abe Lincoln.  Hey, Lincoln's all right in my book but personally I'd rather have a bust of Jennifer Alba in my office, you know what I'm sayin. 
And who cares about Winston Churchill anyway?  He wasn't even an American so what's the big deal.  And read the article closely.  Churchill and his thugs, sound familiar Dubya, beat the crap out of Barack's grandfather.  Those Brits are lucky he didn't smash that bust to pieces.  I'd bust a cap in any sorry ass that messed with my kupuna. Once someone called my tutu a bad name and you know what I did.  I gave them a dirty look.  I showed them, yes sir. 
I almost feel sorry for you worthless conservatives out there because once Barack's finished remaking the country you'll be as worthless as a Confederate dollar bill, which I bet most of you carry around since you're all a bunch of slavery lovers.  Well the days of slavery are over and Barack's the man now.  Barack's going to make everything free for the people like me and you guys are going to pay for it.  As old Winnie might have said it, "This is our finest hour."   

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward

The King and the Queen


as heard on Larry King Live, February 29, 2009


Larry:  And now here in our studios is the reigning homecoming queen of George Mason University bearing the title of Ms. Mason, Ryan Allen.  That's right folks; a man was elected homecoming queen at the suburban Washington D.C. university.  Welcome sir or should I ma'am?  Tell me, sir, how should I address you, I mean ma'am, sir?


Ms. Mason:  Well technically I used the name of my drag queen alter ego, Reann Ballsell, for the pageant so I suppose we should use that.


Larry:  Fair enough, sir, I mean ma'am..  Let's start from the top.  You're a senior at George Mason University who happens to be gay and...


Ms. Mason:  I embrace my gayness Larry.  I'm not ashamed.


Larry:  Oh my god.  I'm sorry, very sorry.  I would never, ever intend to imply, even so obliquely that being gay is not a legitimate life-style choice.


Ms. Mason:  Thank you Larry.


Larry:  Alright.  So Reann, you're a proud, gay university senior known as Ryan Allen and in your spare time you perform in the local night clubs as the drag queen, Reann Ballsell.


Ms. Mason:  You got it Larry.


Larry:  And so you, what, out of the blue, decided to run for homecoming queen?  What gives?


Ms. Mason:  It was just for fun, Larry.  And in talking this over with my support group, we decided that my entry in the contest would be a sign of the inclusive nature of our campus and its associated organizations.


Larry:  Hail Diversity!  Now some of my less tolerant viewers might wonder how you, nominally a man…


Ms. Mason:  Biologically I'm a man Larry.


Larry:  Right, right.  So how could, I mean, why would they what the hell, how's a man compete in a women's beauty pageant?  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to be insensitive.


Ms. Mason:  George Mason is a very inclusive, loving campus.  At GM, we're on the cutting edge of societal revolution.  I can understand you're embarrassed because you're from a different time when men were men and the sheep were scared. 


Larry:  Ho, ho, ho.  That's a good one Reann.  You have to understand this is little bit much for a Jewish kid from Brooklyn.


Ms. Mason:  That's ok Larry.  You're a product of your generation and I'm a product of mine.  And our goal is that some day we will have advanced so far that young people will look back at my generation as the intolerant ones.  Someday, we won't define people by their genitals or who they're screwing.  What difference does it make anyway?  Whether you get off with a man, a woman, two men, a dog, a pig, a robot, who cares, it's what's in here that counts.


Larry:  (wiping a tear)  That's beautiful, Reann. 


Ms. Mason:  Thank you Larry.


Larry:  You sound like a bright young man, er woman, er…What are your plans for the future?


Ms. Mason:  Until last November, I didn't really think I had much of a future.  I figured that someday I'd be dragged off the stage, sorry no pun intended, and locked up in Gitmo by some Republican fascist.  Now that Barack Obama's in charge, I see a bright future.


Larry:  I knew you were a bright, er, .person.  So you're a big fan of the President.


Ms. Mason:  Oh god yes.  He's so smart, and compassionate, and whoa, what a hunk!


Larry:  Ha, ha, you're not the first one to say that on this show.


Ms. Mason:  President Obama is a complete man in every way.  He doesn't have to beat up some towel head in a dirty night shirt to feel like a man..  He's secure in his masculinity.


Larry:  Sounds like you're heading to a career in politics.


Ms. Mason;  No, Larry, although I was very inspired by the President's inaugural address.  I've been re-reading it to figure out exactly what he wants.


Larry:  Well maybe if you don't have an interest in politics, maybe another role in government is in your future, perhaps as a civil servant.


Ms. Mason:  No not as a government worker, probably more as a recipient.  I'm really into Obama's message of hope and change and I see myself as living on government subsidies for a long time.  In this way, not only will my spending of government money help stimulate the economy; I'll also be providing employment for the government workers who will help meet my needs.


Larry:  Sounds like a bright future.  So let's take some calls.  Virginia, you're first up.


Virginia:  What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch runs for homecoming queen?  In my day…


Larry:  Thank you sir.  Ohio, go.


Ohio:  Oh Reann, you're such an inspiration to all of us women out here.  I saw you on TV at the halftime of the basketball game with Northeastern accepting your crown.  For all of us girls that aren't the best looking or have big feet like you, it shows that we can be beautiful too.


Ms. Mason:  Thanks Ohio.  I have a size 12 foot and it's always a challenge to find just the right shoe to balance my competing needs of beauty and minimization.  It's a constant battle.


Ohio:  I know, I know.  You should see my waist…


Larry:  Thank you Ohio.  How about North Carolina, go.


North Carolina:  Larry, my daughter is also a senior at George Mason and unlike that freak sitting next to you, is a beautiful young woman.  For years, my daughter dreamed of competing for an honor like being Ms. Mason.  She was also a participant in the preliminary pageant for Ms. Mason and because of this sicko; she didn't get to realize her dream.  She cried for a week.


Ms. Mason:  What's your daughter's name?


North Carolina:  (sobbing) Lindsey.


Ms. Mason:  Yea I remember daughter.  Well she did get to compete and guess what, she lost.  Tell her to drop that fat ass and better luck next year.


Larry:  Whoa, I've heard these contests are rough but...


Ms. Mason:  Hey she had her chance and she blew it. 


Larry:  You girls really go all out to win.  Virginia, go.


Virginia:  This is Dan Walsch from the university. 


Ms. Mason:  Hi, Dan.


Larry:  You work for George Mason.  So what does the university think of a man winning the title of homecoming queen and being crowned before a national television audience.


Virginia:  Yes, Larry, I'm a spokesman for the university.  And we're very comfortable with Reann winning the constant.  As a modern, diverse organization, we don't require our students to compete for the honor of Mr. and Ms. Mason along strict gender lines.


Larry:  Well there you have it.  Before we go to break tell me, what it was like, accepting your crown in front of a national television audience.


Ms.Mason:  it was the thrill of a lifetime.  Having center stage on national TV, the cheers from the crowd, it felt great.  And those players, god are they built.


Larry:  Well I hope you didn't get to close to them.  Some of those guys probably can't be trusted with the homecoming queen.


Ms. Mason:  They didn't seem that interested.


Larry:  Well there's a shock.  Alright, we'll be right back with the King and Queen after this message.

Friday, February 20, 2009

The Voice of Experience

Honest Hussein


Our new president, King Hussein Obama I, seems to fancy himself another Abraham Lincoln.  While currently the King thinks nothing of cranking out greenhouse gases to fly around the country in Air Force One, prior to his inauguration, he took a train to Washington, D.C. because Lincoln did so years ago.  As he was stammering through the simple presidential oath, his hand rested on the same Bible that Lincoln's did in 1861.  Dinners that evening were served using dishes with the same imprinted designs used by Lincoln containing foods from the same menus.  Obama and his worthless staffers pushed so many of these types of reminders of Lincoln down our throats that I was half expecting him to mount the steps of the Capital to take the oath sporting a beard and wearing a stove pipe hat.


Now if I was into amateur psychology I would wonder about the psyche of a man who dares to compare himself to one of the greatest president's this nation has produced.  I might wonder if these comparisons were a sign of an outrageous ego or simply a mask to cover some deep-seeded lack of confidence.  But I'm not an amateur psychologist and to be fair to the King, he does share some common characteristics with Lincoln.  Both are transplanted residents of Illinois, Lincoln being born in Kentucky and Obama being born in either Hawaii or Kenya depending on who you talk to.  And both men are very slender.  So, like all slender residents of the state of Illinois, both past and present, who were not in fact born in that state, Lincoln and Obama share a common bond.  Other than that…


Abraham Lincoln was reputedly not a very attractive man and often poked fun at himself on this point.  Once Lincoln replied to a heckler, who accused him of being two-faced, that if he had two faces why would he wear his current one in public.  King Hussein Obama I on the other hand, big ears and all, is supposedly so attractive that New York Times reporters, otherwise, we're told, objective and non-partisan purveyors of the truth, fantasize about having sex with him.  And unlike Lincoln, Obama won his race for the Senate seat from Illinois although maybe if Lincoln had had the political pull and/or nerve to have his opponent's divorce records unsealed, he might have won too. 


Though we disagree with the King on so many points, it would be churlish to not recognize his abilities as a public speaker, even though most of what he says is just bull-shit.  With his smooth voice and flawless timing, Obama is truly one the great orators of our age.  His admirers love to point this skill out as one he shares with Lincoln but they are mistaken.  Lincoln was a brilliant writer and some of the speeches, which being a simpler time, he wrote himself, are regarded as masterpieces of American political thought.  But Lincoln was not a great deliverer, if you will, of these words.  The Gettysburg Address, for example, was reported to be delivered in Lincoln's characteristic high shrill voice and not loud enough for most of the crowd of over 15,000 to even hear.  Contemporary reports called the speech a failure.


In short, Lincoln, though a poor speaker, wrote brilliant speeches that have survived for generations.  King Obama, on the other hand, delivers speeches brilliantly which consist of absolute crap that most people are lucky to remember even moments after they heard it.  On this point the two couldn't be more different.


But since the Obama-Lincoln comparisons seem to be all the rage these days, I'd like to point out one of my own.  Being a good Marxist, King Hussein Obama I believes in all of his subjects sharing their wealth.  These ideas were conveyed to Joe the Plumber before the election and are dutifully being carried out today as Obama takes money from taxpayers and redistributes it to the beneficiaries of his stimulus program, his expansion of the SHIPS program, and now, the mortgage relief program.  Each program enacted or to be enacted will basically take money from the wealthier people in the country and pass it down to the unemployed and the working poor.  Lincoln also had an opportunity to present his views on wealth distribution and it's worth looking into if for no other reason than the King himself thinks Lincoln is worth emulating.


In 1864, a group of trade unions in New York banded together to form the Workingmen's Democratic-Republican Association of New York.  The purpose of the association was to organize both Republican and Democratic union members to support pro-Union political candidates and to educate their members on the fundamental issues of the war.  On March 21, 1864, a representative committee from this association called upon President Lincoln to voice their support and offer him an honorary membership in the Association.  Lincoln gracious accepted this membership and went on to quote at length a passage from his first State of Union address, sent to, but not verbally delivered to the Congress, as was the tradition at that time.


In this address, Lincoln noted that the Confederate leaders espoused a government completely dedicated to serving the interests of southern capitalists.  He went further to note that the Confederates believed that once a man was a laborer; he was forever stuck in that position.  Lincoln called this assumption false and dangerous to the rights of the working man.  He noted that "Capital is only the fruit of labor, and never could have existed if labor had not first existed," and then expanded on this point.


As has already been said, there is not of necessity any such thing as the free hired laborer being fixed to that condition for life.  Many independent men everywhere in these States, a few years back in their lives, were hired laborers.  The prudent, penniless beginner in the world labors for wages awhile, saves a surplus with which to buy tools or lands for himself, then labors on his own account another while, and at length hires another new beginner to help him.  This is the just, and generous, and prosperous system which opens the way to all – gives hope to all, and consequent energy, and progress, and improvement to all.  No men living are more worthy to be trusted than those who toil up from poverty – none less inclined to take or touch aught which they have not honestly earned..  Let them beware of surrendering a political power which they already possess, and which if surrendered, will surely be used to close the door of advancement against such as they, and to fix new disabilities and burdens upon them till all of liberty shall be lost.


Unlike Obama, who only sees a static world of haves and have-nots, Lincoln saw further, a fluid world with individuals moving from labor to capitalists, or vice versa, based on their own merits.  As Lincoln said, "Nor is it denied that there is, and probably always will be, a relation between labor and capital producing mutual benefits."


Once Lincoln had finished quoting from his earlier works, he reiterated the point that the members of the Association had more at stake in the war than any other class and urged them to resist the "prejudices working disunion and hostility among themselves.", i.e. the anti-war Copperheads who helped fan the flames of the draft riots in New York City a year earlier.  Furthermore, in light of the destruction of these riots and to reinforce his earlier point Lincoln cautioned them to beware of the sentiments of those who might urge them to a war on property.


Property is the fruit of labor, property is desirable, is a positive good in the world.  That some should be rich, shows that other may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise.  Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him labor diligently and build one for himself; thus, by example, assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.


It's too bad that one of those aides who found the design on the plates for Obama to copy at his inauguration couldn't have found this quote for King Hussein Obama I to read on his way to Denver to sign that massive, pork-barrel, waste of money called the "Stimulus Bill."  It could have been worth about a trillion bucks to our country.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

View from the Top: The Founding Fathers


James Madison reporting:


I've been up here watching with bemused interest the campaign and now presidency of this Obama clown and nothing makes me laugh more than his calls for an end to partisanship.  I was never sure how he intended to end partisan politics and now that President Obama is on the verge of looting the national treasury with the support of his conspirators in the Congress with a nearly complete lack of Republican support, I suppose he might be coming to the realization that partisan politics is here to stay.  No doubt President Obama will be disappointed in this failing and will talk about the Republicans being stuck in the "politics of the past." 


Since Obama never really had a plan to end partisan politics in the first place other than everybody coming together to hold hands and sing Kum By Ya, I'm sure he never gave a second thought to whether ending partisan politics was wise or even possible.  Well, I can forgive Obama for not knowing the following because he's from another country, but believe it or not, some of us actually thought about these ideas years ago.


After I spent all summer sweating my ass off writing the Constitution, I couldn't get a break because we had to go sell it to the public.  New York was the largest state and then, as now, was filled with wackos and liberals who had to be laboriously won over.  Al Hamilton, John "Dr." Jay, and I wrote a series of letters to the editors of the New York newspapers explaining the necessity for and benefits of adopting the new constitution.  In one of these letters, I addressed the concerns of those fools who were worried that the new government might be filled with politicians and strive.  Image that, a government infected with politics.  I still can't believe I had to address this crap.


Back then we didn't call it partisanship, we called it faction.  And as I pointed out:


There are again two methods of removing the causes of faction:  the one by destroying the liberty which is essential to its existence; the other by giving to every citizen the same opinions, the same passions, and the same interest.


Then, even though I'd been drinking most of the evening, I brilliantly showed the folly of trying to remove these causes. 


It could never be more truly said than of the first remedy, that it is worse than the disease.  Liberty is to faction what air is to fire, an aliment without which it instantly expires.  But it could not be less folly to abolish liberty, which is essential to political life, because it nourishes faction, than it would be to wish the annihilation of air, which is essential to animal life, because it imparts to fire its destructive agency.


I hope somebody in Obama's administration remembers these words when they talk about bringing back the Fairness Doctrine, but I digress.  As for the second remedy:


The second expedient is as impracticable as the first would be unwise.  As long as the reason of man continues fallible, and he is at liberty to exercise it, different opinions will be formed.


So to sum it up for those Obama supporters who can't pay attention for more than two seconds, as long as people are free to express their opinions, those opinions might be different.  Liberty is the goal and if partisan politics is the price we have to pay for it, then it's better to have to listen to Harry Reid or Barney Frank spewing their crap than to have an oppressive government suppressing us. 


Even though this "stimulus" bill contains a number of dangerous provisions, at least it might have the benefit of ending this mindless drivel on the need for bi-partisanship.  I for one say bring on the partisan politics because it means we are still free.

The Righteous Lib

A Call to Arms!!
I once heard that the victors are undone by the victory or something like that but I never paid much attention to that sayin since I never won anything.  But after reading the latest Pew Research Center report on the public's top priorities for 2009,, I now understand the wisdom of that old saw.  If you go way down the list of priorities you'll notice that there in dead-ass last is global warming.  After suffering under eight years of that flat-earther, Dubya, I thought we'd move forward on this life-threatening issue.  Instead the dummies in this country are worried about jobs and terrorism.  When you're roasting alive or standing knee deep in the ocean because of global warming, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you have a good job.  Has everybody forgotten the immortal words of that distinguished Nobel Laureate, Al Gore:  "The Earth has a fever."  Goddamn right the Earth has a fever.  You don't have to be a super scientist like Al Gore to know that.  Just look at your own experiences.  Take mine for example.  I've been out here in Hawaii for over 20 years and it's hot as hell all the time.  Never once saw even a single snowflake.  When I was a kid in Chicago we used to get snow all the time.  That's my evidence.  How much plainer could it be? 
Fortunately for us, Barack's in charge and unlike the ignorant masses, I'm sure he'll take of business and do something about global warming but he needs our help.  Even though Dubya's been banished to the back forty, he left plenty of flat-earthers behind in the Congress who would love nothing more than to stir up a big stink about this issue.  Trust me, Barack's got our back but we have to watch his back too.  Stop worrying about your damn job (or better yet don't have a job like me) and start worrying about that burning cinder we call Earth.        

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Voice of Experience

Lessons from the Campaign
Way back in 1992, when some of us old hands told everybody that Bill Clinton's bimbo eruptions reveled a shocking lack of character, all of you liberals said it didn't mean a thing.  His affairs were a private matter, it had nothing to do with how he would govern.  Well, I'm not going to spend time listing all the scandals of the Clinton administration (or even the stuff he's done since leaving office) because I don't have all day to sit here and write super long posts like Limis does.  It's sufficient to say that not only did he do all the stuff we predicted he would, but he also did the exact same things, i.e. messing with an intern, that he'd done before.  Talk about never learning.
So what you say?  Clinton's old news now.  That's true but the lesson remains.  During King Hussein Obama I's campaign we learned that Barry wasn't always the best judge of character.  In the spring, we found out that Barry sat in Reverend Wright's church for 20 years and he never figured out that he was an anti-American, reactionary hate monger.  In the summer, Barry stupidly picked a former Fannie Mae executive, Jim Johnson, to lead his vice presidential search team only weeks before Fannie Mae would collapse.  Of course, Barry and his liberal partisans could never reconcile how on the one hand Barry had been warning everybody about the coming mortgage meltdown and why on the other hand he would pick somebody for such an important position who was knee deep in the whole mess.  And once again Barry, the master judge of character, was shocked when he found out this thoroughly corrupt man had been the beneficiary of millions of dollars in below market interest loans from Countrywide Mortgage, a company Barry had repeatedly criticized on the campaign trial.    
And in the late summer came the coupe-de-grace, the pick of Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate.  Biden's reputation as a blow-hard with a loose mouth has been earned over years of gaffes, most notably his blow up over his plagiarism of British politician's Neil Kinnock's speeches during Biden's mercifully short Presidential campaign 20 years before.  But Barry didn't have to go back that far.  During the primary, Bullet Joe had fired off a timeless classic about Obama being acceptable to the American public because he was "clean."  But none of these things disturbed our future King's slumbers.  He foolishly picked this human maleprop and then spent the whole fall explaining away or running from his stupid comments.  Who will ever forget Biden saying that because Obama had no experience in foreign policy, he was going to be tested within six months by a major crisis but don't worry, at first you'll think Obama's doing the wrong thing but it will work out in the end.  Made my want to run right out and cast my vote for the Big O.
Well the past is the past and now we're stuck with him.  And what have we seen so far?  Three high level nominees have been forced to withdraw their names from consideration for their jobs for a variety of offenses (Richardson - pay to play corruption investigation, Daschle - taxes, Killefer - taxes) and three have been embarrassments (Clinton - conflict of interests, see Bill above, Geithner - taxes, Lynn - defense lobbyist).  At the rate he's going, the King will only need a semi-circle table because there won't be enough people to sit around a round table.   
Obama loves to fashion himself another Lincoln, even going so far as to read Doris Kearns Goodwin's book, Teams of Rivals:  The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, to help him pick his cabinet.  He should have read about another transplanted Illinois president, Ulysses S. Grant.  Although personally honest and never accused of wrong-doing, Grant's presidential administration was ruined by numerous corrupt cabinet officers.  Like our current ruler, Grant was a poor judge of character and foolishly trusted these people despite numerous reports of their wrong-doing.  Most historians view Grant's administration as one our nations worst.  So far, it looks like there might be room at the bottom of the presidential rankings for the Obama administration in a few years.

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward

Too Much of a Good Thing


Our new president, King Hussein Obama I, is lucky that most liberals are mathematically challenged or he would have never bragged that his new "stimulus", i.e. pork-barrel welfare plan, would create 3 million jobs with 80% of those jobs being in the private sector.  Let's do the math on that one and I'll try and go slow here so my liberal readers can follow along.  If 80% of the 3 million jobs are created in the private sector, then logic (I admit, an unfamiliar subject for most liberals) would imply that 20%, i.e.100% - 80%, of those jobs would be created in the public sector.  Now before all you liberals go running for your environmentally friendly solar calculators to figure out what 20% of 3 million is; ol' Limis will give you the answer:  20% of 3 million is 600,000.  That's right, 600,000 new government jobs. 


For those of you with an attention span of more than 2 seconds, you might wonder:  what are these 600,000 new government workers going to do?  Just stand around the water cooler and talk about who's going to get voted off American Idol?  I wish that was all they were going to do but I fear they will do much worse.


Perhaps an example is in order.  Let's take a look at a sample of what some of our brilliant government workers have done in the past.  Here's an excerpt from the Department of Housing and Urban Development's Handbook 4350.3 REV 1 – Occupancy Requirements of Subsidized Multifamily Housing Programs:




Paperwork Reduction Act Certification

Occupancy Requirements of Subsidized Multifamily Housing Programs

HUD Handbook 4350.3 REV-1



Monthly Report of Excess Income

OMB Approval No.2502-0086 (exp. 9/30/2003)


Certification & Application for Housing Assistance Payments (HAP)

OMB Approval No. 2502-0182 (exp.11/30/03)


Owner/Tenant Certification for Multifamily Housing Programs

OMB Approval No. 2502-0204 (exp. 10/31/04)


Pet Ownership in Assisted Rental Housing for the Elderly or Handicapped

OMB Approval No. 2502-0342 (exp. 7/31/04)


Affirmative Fair Housing Marketing Plan

OMB Approval No. 2529-0013 (exp.9/30/03)


Requirement for Notification of Lead-Based Paint Hazards

OMB Approval No. 2539-0009 (exp. 12/31/05)


Public reporting burden for the collection of information is estimated to average 2,587,023 hours.  The information will be used to ensure compliance with Multifamily Housing Subsidy programs requirements, including tenant eligibility, applicant priority, tenant income and rent determinations, prohibition of discrimination and others.  Response to this request for information is required in order to receive the benefits to be derived.  This agency may not collect this information, and you are not required to provide this information unless a currently valid OMB control number is displayed.


Pretty interesting, huh?  First off all, if you understood any of that you either work in the HUD world or you're insane..  I'll translate.  The first part of the excerpt lists various forms that HUD requires the recipient of federal funds, i.e. the owner the housing project, must file with them.  The second part explains that these recipients must submit these forms so HUD can monitor compliance with the bewildering labyrinth of regulations they have issued.  Stuck right in the middle, the underlined part (by me), is that our government estimates the public will have to spend 2,587,023 hours filling out these forms. 


Of all the ridiculous facets of this number, why it was calculated, how it was calculated, who calculated, it, the most ludicrous feature is its precision.  Not 2, 587,019 hours or 2,587, 051 hours.  Nope it's 2,587,023 hours on the nose.  I can imagine a room full of government bureaucrats, some bespectacled, some balding, most over-weight and wearing ill-fitting, off-the–rack clothes from K-Mart, buried deep in the bowels of a dreary office building with  piles and piles of surveys and statistics spread out over a conference table, fighting over this number.


Bob:  God damn you Jim.  Our department spent 2,400 man-hours running this multiple regression analysis on these surveys.  How can you argue with that?  Its 2,586,958 hours.  That's the figure, it has to be.


Jim:  Your nuts.  Look at these printouts.  My programmers spent over 5,000 hours designing this analysis of the survey results.  It can't be wrong.  Those computer geeks are never wrong and they're telling me that's it 2,587,091 hours. 


Bob:  You know what they say about computers, garbage in, garbage out.  5,000 hours my ass.  I bet half that time was spent surfing the net for porn like those guys did over at the National Science Foundation.


Fred:  Was that a howl or what?  I have a friend that works over there and he used to send me the most awesome email attachments.  You should have seen these girls, they were huge.


Mike:  No shit.  Forward me some of those. 


Fred:  Sure.  After this meeting ends, I've got nothing to do anyway.


Oliver:  Hey Fred, don't forget your man Oliver over here. 


Bob:  Alright, alright, let's get back on point here. 


Oliver:  Does that mean I don't get the pictures.


Boss:  Mike, do you still have Form 78986 – List of Attendees handy?


Mike:  Sure do boss, right here.


Boss:  Give that to Fred.  Fred, send out some of those pictures to all the attendees.


Fred:  Thanks Mike.  I'll take care of it Boss.


Jim:  Now as I was saying, we have to nail this down.  We can't just put any damn number in there.  This publication goes out to project owners, management agents, auditors, and all sorts of other people out there.  It has to be right.


Bob:  No shit Mr. Oblivious.  We all know that.  That's why we've been sitting here for three days fighting over this. 


Jim:  And if it isn't right, we'll look like fools.  People will lose faith in us.  They'll wonder what we're doing down here. 


Bob:  And that's why I had our mathematicians working on this.  My number of 2,586,958 hours is statistically valid.


Jim:  You know what they say about statistics.  There's three types of lies, lies, damn lies, and statistics.


Bob:  I'm so sick of hearing you say that and you can't even get that right.  Its three types of liars, liars, damn liars, and statisticians.


Jim:  You're wrong, you're wrong.  Its lies, damn lies, and statistics.


Fred:  I think Bob's right.


Oliver:  No, Jim's right.


Fred:  You kidding me.  My uncle used to say that all the time.  Its liars, damn liars, and statisticians.


Oliver:  And my favorite preacher back in Alabama always said lies, damn lies, and statistics.  He was a man of God you know.


Mike:  I knew I'd heard that phrase somewhere.  I think it's in the Bible.


Bob:  First Corinthians


Jim:  No, it's Second Peter.


Bob:  You kidding me, it's First Corinthians.  I was just reading that last night.


Jim:  And I'm telling you its Second Peter.  That's just the type of thing Peter would say.


Bob:  Well that doesn't mean anything.  Peter wrote that one too.


Jim:  No he didn't.  It was Paul.


Bob:  Come on.  Paul was tied up in Tijeras when First Corinthians was written.  There's no way in hell that he wrote that one.


Fred:  Does anyone have a Bible?


Mike:  Yea.  I got one holding up that short leg of my desk.  I can pull it out.  My desk doesn't have anything on top of it anyway.


Fred:  Come on, let's go get it.  That will settle this once and for all.


Bob:  I'm coming too.  I need a break.


Jim:  Right behind you Bob. 


All exit leaving only Oliver and the Boss.


Oliver:  Jesus Christ, are we ever going to settle on this goddamn number.


Boss:  Sure we are.  I already know what it is.


Oliver:  What?


Boss:  its 2,587,023 hours.


Oliver:  Where do you get that from?


Boss:  I made it up.


Oliver:  Why'd you pick up 2,587,023?


Boss:  Because if I said it was 2,500,000 or 2,600,000 it would sound made up.


Oliver:  But it is made up.


Boss:  But the people reading it don't know that.  It's precise.  It makes us look smart.


Oliver:  Then why have we been sitting here for three goddamn days.


Boss:  That's simple too.  My budget for this project was $1,328,590 and I'm still $2,500 short.  We've got to rack up those dollars somehow.  This meeting should just about do it.


Oliver:  Makes sense to me..  Up for lunch?


Boss:  Sure.  Go get the guys.  We gotten spend that money.





In case you're wondering why our government spends time calculating these ridiculous estimates of the time it takes to fill out their crap, I'll give you the answer.  It's required under the Paperwork Reduction Act of 1980 codified in the Subchapter I of Chapter 35 of Title 44 of the United States Code.  Believe it or not, one of the purposes of the act is to minimize the paperwork burden for the public resulting from the collection of information for the Federal Government..  Just kept that in mind next time you're fighting through your tax returns.


And don't worry that our bureaucrats who are empowered under this act are just randomly making these decisions about what crap we have to fill out.  §3508 of the Act provides for public comment and hearings before a government agency is allowed to issue a new form.  Just call this reason 2,587,023 that that our government wastes so much money.  And don't forget, this all happened before King Hussein Obama I got his hands on the government. 

Pa Republicans need a US Senate Candidate for 2010

Arlen Specter never got answers to his legitimate questions of Eric Holder, so he voted for him anyway.  King Hussein Obama I wanted to extend the state children’s health insurance program to move around 3 million kids with private insurance to the government dole, and that was ok with Senator Specter.  Senator Specter is 79 and almost lost in the primary the last time.  It’s time for Pa Republicans to find someone who can seal the deal.



Monday, February 2, 2009

Citizens Alert

The Senate will be taking up King Hussein Obama I’s “stimulus” bill this week.  Only 12 cents of every dollar spent on this bill can plausibly be characterized as an economic stimulus.  Out of $ 825 billion,  $ 30 billion for infrastructure, $40 billion for electric grid development and $ 20 billion for business tax breaks.  The rest…  From the Washington Post,  Columbia University’s Jeffrey D.  Sachs labels the plan “an astounding mishmash of tax cuts, public investments, transfer payments and special treats for insiders.  Columbia is hardly a conservative place.


This is not my money or your money but your children’s money and their children’s money.  We must, as citizens of this great country, take this very seriously.


Please, contact your Senators and the President.