On September 8th, King Hussein Obama the First addressed the nation's school age children in an unprecedented internet broadcast. Before we provide the text of His Majesty's remarks, please review the following memo provided by His Majesty's minions to the nation's teachers so they could put his words of wisdom in proper context.
Menu of Classroom Activities
President Obama's Address to Students Across America
September 8, 2009
Before the Speech
· Teachers can build background knowledge about the President of the United States and his speech by reading books about presidents and Barack Obama. Teachers could motivate students by asking the following questions:
Why do some people insist on criticizing the smartest man ever to serve as President?
Have you noticed that only a white, racist, hate-mongers are protesting against his policies?
Did you know that the Ku Klux Klan was founded by the Republican Party?
Did you know that the Jim Crow laws of the Old South were enacted by white Republicans?
Did you know that not one single Republican voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964?
· Teachers can ask students to imagine that they are delivering a speech to all of the students in the United States.
What is it like to be the most powerful man in the world?
Do you realize the President can crush you like a grape, dispose of your remains, and wipe out any evidence that you ever existed?
Can you read a speech as it's flying by on a Tele-Prompt-Ter?
· Why is it important that we listen to the President and other elected Democrats, like the mayor, senators, members of congress, or the governor? Do you understand that these people are solely concerned with your welfare? Do you find yourself growing angry when you listen to prominent Republicans? If not, why?
During the Speech
- All students must stand at attention during the length of the President's remarks. Upon rising, each student must form a clenched fist with their left hand and in one quick motion, pound their fist off their chest, and extended they arm so that the fist is slightly above the level of their head. Once their arm is fully extended the students should extend their thumb and pinkie fully, forming the shaka, aka the "hang loose" sign, a common sign of friendship in the President's state of birth which incidentally is not Kenya as the right-wing lunatics would have you believe.
- Pursuant to Executive Order 18957956 signed by the President last week, all state and local laws concerning corporal punishment are suspended during the President's address. Students who talk, facially express disapproval, or otherwise disrupt the other students are to be beaten, whipped, and subdued by any means necessary to ensure that the students can focus solely on the President.
- Students and teachers should not take notes during the President's speech. Instead, immediately following the speech, an outline of the President's speech will be available on the internet site. This outline, not you own personal perception of the President's speech, will be the basis of your understanding of the President's speech during the discussion period following the President's speech.
After the Speech
- Teachers should praise the President's remarks and point out that the President is the only man who can improve their lot in life.
- Re-emphasize that the President is the most powerful man on Earth. Point out that the President's love for the students exceeds that of their parents. Remind the students that the President is slow to anger and quick to forgive.
- Drill the students repeatedly until they can recite the following without error:
President Obama loves me and represents my best hope for a happy life.
I am unworthy of President Obama's munificence and recognize that his interest in my welfare is undeserved.
President Obama is the smartest man in the country and those who oppose him are fools.
President Obama will provide for my basic needs as long as I am prepared to sacrifice my selfish desires for the greater good.
Extension of the Speech
- Review the failed policies of the Bush administration. Make sure the students understand that only a man as brilliant as President Obama could ever hope to pull this country back from the precipice that Bush abandoned us on.
- Encourage the students to volunteer to make a difference in the community. All faith-based groups should be discouraged. Contract you union representative for a list of worthwhile groups, such as Code Pink, Organizing for America, Act Now for Healthcare, etc.
- Write letters to the racists, the hate-mongers, the fear-mongers in the Congress, the Fox News network, and talk radio. Ask them why they are so mean. Tell them President Obama will even forgive them for all the lies and damage they have done if they would only get on board with his message of hope and change.
- Have the students build a piñata of an angry white male. Tell the students that angry white males have totally screwed up the world and we can only be saved through diversity. Hang the piñata and let the students pound on it until it breaks. As the students joyously gather up the candy, hang up a previous prepared (solely by the teacher) piñata of George Washington. Point out to the students that Washington was not the great man history portrays but simply a racist slave owner who only cared about his own wealth. Once this icon is destroyed by the students pull out another previously prepared piñata of an American soldier. Let the students know of all the crimes committed by these supposed heroes. Instruct the students to shout "Peace!" each time they hit the solider. Once the solider is destroyed surprise the students with one last piñata of George W. Bush. Make sure the piñata has a sinister looking face. Devil horns and Hitler-style mustaches are permitted variations. Re-enforce this piñata so it is difficult to break. In this manner most of the students should have to chance to beat on the most evil man to ever steal the Presidency.
So now that we've been properly indoctrinated, um, prepared I mean, here are His Majesty's remarks:
Good evening. Thank you for taking time out of your busy school day.
A few short years ago I sat in a classroom much like yours. To be honest though, my classroom was probably much nicer than yours since I attended an exclusive prep school in Honolulu but my point is that I understand what you're feeling during these formative years. You're worried about your future. You're worried about what you're going to do in life, how you're going to live, what kind of job you're going to get when you grow up. I'm here today to assure you that under my leadership you'll never have to worry about these types of things again.
If you study hard, get a good job, and have the ability to take care of yourself, that's great. But if you can't or won't do that my comprehensive program of government subsidies, transfer payments, and free services will ensure that your basic needs are taken care of. When I see rich Americans callously rent a commercial airliner and jet off to exotic locations like my home state of Hawaii or blow tens of thousands of dollars to rent a beach house in places like Martha's Vineyard I get really mad. Why can't you, the average American, do these things too? Under my programs you can.
In your history classes you've probably studied the lives of some of these rich Americans from the past like Carnegie, Rockefeller, and Morgan. And your over-worked and under paid teacher might not have had the time to tell you how these men made their money in the first place. I'm here to tell you today that these men, like the rich, white Americans of today, made their money by stealing it from the average man. That's you and me. If you think about it, when I tax these rich people and take their money away, all I'm really doing is taking the money they stole from you and giving it back to its rightful owner. Hopefully someday there will be no such thing as rich and poor and all of my programs are designed to move us ever closer to that goal.
Of course along with their wealth comes power. The power to stop people such as myself from doing what's right and thereby save their illicit wealth. And some people, maybe even your parents, dazzled by their riches, unintentionally do their bidding by opposing my programs. I can understand why they do this and I forgive them for they know not what they do. These rich white men, such as the executives and stockholders in the health insurance industry, use their wealth to buy the support of the average man and make it appear as if the public doesn't approve of my plan. I tell you now that these men are liars, deceivers of the average man. They would slit your throat if they thought it would help them maintain their riches.
To beat these people I need your help. I need an army of young minds, properly educated in our schools to know what is right and what is wrong. I need a new generation, bold enough to cast off the shackles of the white elite and stand for a new way, a path of hope and change for all Americans, not just those born into privilege.
So how can you help? First you can contribute by simply helping us to indentify the enemy. If you hear someone denouncing me or my programs let us know, even if it's your parents. Just send us an email and we'll take care of the rest. With the vast power of the government and our extensive network of organized Americans there's nobody that we can't re-educate as long as we know who they are. Second, you can help by being a good soldier, by joining us, through one of the many groups of organized supporters of what is good and right such as Organizing for America. You won't even have to think about what to do. They will tell what to do and you can rest assured that it is right. Third, you can take a more active role. Write a letter to your Congressmen. Tell him you believe in me and my programs. Boycott business that you know our owned by my enemies. Call the right-wing talk show hosts, the hate-mongers. Tell that stupid fat idiot Rush Limbaugh to get off my back.
It's ok if you laughed at that. It's ok to call Rush Limbaugh fat. It's ok to laugh at and call anybody fat. Look at all the harm these fat people are doing. Because of their lack of willpower, because they have the strength to hoist a chicken leg but not to push themselves away from the table, you and me pays billions of dollars for healthcare costs from obesity related diseases. By identifying and ridiculing these fat slobs, we can change their behavior which is hurting the group. And if you don't take anything else out of my address today, I want you to understand that the group is more important than the individual.
Our nation's motto is "E pluribus unum" which means "Out of many one." And what's important to understand is that it's the one that is important not the individuals that make up the many. Someday I or one of my like minded successors may call on you to make a sacrifice for the good of all. Someday you might have to say good-bye to a loved one, your grandfather, your parents, or maybe even a brother or sister because the effort to save them would hurt the rest of the group. Do not worry about ever making such a difficult decision. That's what I'm here for. Based on a life of experience and training for just these types of decisions you can rest assured that my decision is correct. If you're ever called to make such a sacrifice don't feel bad. Instead think of yourself as a hero, a different type of hero, a hero for this modern age. A hero who doesn't think selfishly but instead thinks of the good of all.
Before I go I like to caution you against believing the arguments of the deceivers. They say if my programs are so good then why don't I utilize them. For example, why isn't the President enrolled in the new public option for healthcare? A moment's thought will show you how ridiculous this argument is. If I was willing to sacrifice myself, who would oversee this complex operation? Who among you is capable of such a grave assignment? Every day of my life is a sacrifice. I work tirelessly on your behalf to ensure your well-being and happiness. Without me, you would be nothing. So naturally I must be saved. The good of the group requires it.
Thank you again for allowing me to address you this evening. And in conclusion I'd like to say…goddamn it, somebody pick up that Tele-Prompt-Ter. I don't remember how it ends. Aw hell, cut the feed. Cut the feed!!!