Saturday, February 21, 2009

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward

The King and the Queen


as heard on Larry King Live, February 29, 2009


Larry:  And now here in our studios is the reigning homecoming queen of George Mason University bearing the title of Ms. Mason, Ryan Allen.  That's right folks; a man was elected homecoming queen at the suburban Washington D.C. university.  Welcome sir or should I ma'am?  Tell me, sir, how should I address you, I mean ma'am, sir?


Ms. Mason:  Well technically I used the name of my drag queen alter ego, Reann Ballsell, for the pageant so I suppose we should use that.


Larry:  Fair enough, sir, I mean ma'am..  Let's start from the top.  You're a senior at George Mason University who happens to be gay and...


Ms. Mason:  I embrace my gayness Larry.  I'm not ashamed.


Larry:  Oh my god.  I'm sorry, very sorry.  I would never, ever intend to imply, even so obliquely that being gay is not a legitimate life-style choice.


Ms. Mason:  Thank you Larry.


Larry:  Alright.  So Reann, you're a proud, gay university senior known as Ryan Allen and in your spare time you perform in the local night clubs as the drag queen, Reann Ballsell.


Ms. Mason:  You got it Larry.


Larry:  And so you, what, out of the blue, decided to run for homecoming queen?  What gives?


Ms. Mason:  It was just for fun, Larry.  And in talking this over with my support group, we decided that my entry in the contest would be a sign of the inclusive nature of our campus and its associated organizations.


Larry:  Hail Diversity!  Now some of my less tolerant viewers might wonder how you, nominally a man…


Ms. Mason:  Biologically I'm a man Larry.


Larry:  Right, right.  So how could, I mean, why would they what the hell, how's a man compete in a women's beauty pageant?  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to be insensitive.


Ms. Mason:  George Mason is a very inclusive, loving campus.  At GM, we're on the cutting edge of societal revolution.  I can understand you're embarrassed because you're from a different time when men were men and the sheep were scared. 


Larry:  Ho, ho, ho.  That's a good one Reann.  You have to understand this is little bit much for a Jewish kid from Brooklyn.


Ms. Mason:  That's ok Larry.  You're a product of your generation and I'm a product of mine.  And our goal is that some day we will have advanced so far that young people will look back at my generation as the intolerant ones.  Someday, we won't define people by their genitals or who they're screwing.  What difference does it make anyway?  Whether you get off with a man, a woman, two men, a dog, a pig, a robot, who cares, it's what's in here that counts.


Larry:  (wiping a tear)  That's beautiful, Reann. 


Ms. Mason:  Thank you Larry.


Larry:  You sound like a bright young man, er woman, er…What are your plans for the future?


Ms. Mason:  Until last November, I didn't really think I had much of a future.  I figured that someday I'd be dragged off the stage, sorry no pun intended, and locked up in Gitmo by some Republican fascist.  Now that Barack Obama's in charge, I see a bright future.


Larry:  I knew you were a bright, er, .person.  So you're a big fan of the President.


Ms. Mason:  Oh god yes.  He's so smart, and compassionate, and whoa, what a hunk!


Larry:  Ha, ha, you're not the first one to say that on this show.


Ms. Mason:  President Obama is a complete man in every way.  He doesn't have to beat up some towel head in a dirty night shirt to feel like a man..  He's secure in his masculinity.


Larry:  Sounds like you're heading to a career in politics.


Ms. Mason;  No, Larry, although I was very inspired by the President's inaugural address.  I've been re-reading it to figure out exactly what he wants.


Larry:  Well maybe if you don't have an interest in politics, maybe another role in government is in your future, perhaps as a civil servant.


Ms. Mason:  No not as a government worker, probably more as a recipient.  I'm really into Obama's message of hope and change and I see myself as living on government subsidies for a long time.  In this way, not only will my spending of government money help stimulate the economy; I'll also be providing employment for the government workers who will help meet my needs.


Larry:  Sounds like a bright future.  So let's take some calls.  Virginia, you're first up.


Virginia:  What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch runs for homecoming queen?  In my day…


Larry:  Thank you sir.  Ohio, go.


Ohio:  Oh Reann, you're such an inspiration to all of us women out here.  I saw you on TV at the halftime of the basketball game with Northeastern accepting your crown.  For all of us girls that aren't the best looking or have big feet like you, it shows that we can be beautiful too.


Ms. Mason:  Thanks Ohio.  I have a size 12 foot and it's always a challenge to find just the right shoe to balance my competing needs of beauty and minimization.  It's a constant battle.


Ohio:  I know, I know.  You should see my waist…


Larry:  Thank you Ohio.  How about North Carolina, go.


North Carolina:  Larry, my daughter is also a senior at George Mason and unlike that freak sitting next to you, is a beautiful young woman.  For years, my daughter dreamed of competing for an honor like being Ms. Mason.  She was also a participant in the preliminary pageant for Ms. Mason and because of this sicko; she didn't get to realize her dream.  She cried for a week.


Ms. Mason:  What's your daughter's name?


North Carolina:  (sobbing) Lindsey.


Ms. Mason:  Yea I remember daughter.  Well she did get to compete and guess what, she lost.  Tell her to drop that fat ass and better luck next year.


Larry:  Whoa, I've heard these contests are rough but...


Ms. Mason:  Hey she had her chance and she blew it. 


Larry:  You girls really go all out to win.  Virginia, go.


Virginia:  This is Dan Walsch from the university. 


Ms. Mason:  Hi, Dan.


Larry:  You work for George Mason.  So what does the university think of a man winning the title of homecoming queen and being crowned before a national television audience.


Virginia:  Yes, Larry, I'm a spokesman for the university.  And we're very comfortable with Reann winning the constant.  As a modern, diverse organization, we don't require our students to compete for the honor of Mr. and Ms. Mason along strict gender lines.


Larry:  Well there you have it.  Before we go to break tell me, what it was like, accepting your crown in front of a national television audience.


Ms.Mason:  it was the thrill of a lifetime.  Having center stage on national TV, the cheers from the crowd, it felt great.  And those players, god are they built.


Larry:  Well I hope you didn't get to close to them.  Some of those guys probably can't be trusted with the homecoming queen.


Ms. Mason:  They didn't seem that interested.


Larry:  Well there's a shock.  Alright, we'll be right back with the King and Queen after this message.

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