Thursday, July 30, 2009

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward


A Day in the Life


As a public service, we present a day of King Hussein Obama's "tweets" from the popular social networking service,


King Obama: (7:10 a.m.)  Matt Lauer is tearing up that half Chink, Michelle Malkin


King Obama:  (7:10 a.m.)  What the hell is Kabuki theater?


King Obama:  (7:11 a.m.)  Matts's one of the good ones.  A true friend of the administration.  Of course most of the media is a friend these days with the exception of…


King Obama:  (7:15 a.m.)  Quick check of Fox & Friends.  No low cut blouse today.  Too bad.  The only two reasons I watch Fox is Gretchen Carlson.


King Obama:  (7:25 a.m.)  Kicked Michelle's sleeping butt on the way out.  She's getting so big these days.  How could I miss that fat ass?


King Obama:  (7:35 a.m.)  Out back with the boys from the kitchen.  First cig of the day. 


King Obama:  (7:40 a.m.)  God damn Jerome.  He's a chef.  Reminds me I owe him a hundred bucks on last night's Sox game.  Better have another cig.


King Obama:  (7:50 a.m.)  Nicotine flowing.  Ready to face the day.


King Obama:  (8:00 a.m.)  Staff meeting.  Hooray!!!


King Obama:  (8:03 a.m.)  Rahm Emanuel just farted!!!  What the hell did he eat last night?  Gross!!!!!


King Obama:  (8:08 a.m.)  First stupid comment of the day by my spokesman, Robert Gibbs.  Eight minutes.  That's a record for him.


King Obama:  (8:22 a.m.)  What a shock.  Meetings all day.  I can't wait.


King Obama:  (8:29 a.m.)  Here comes Joe Biden.  Remind me to kick the shit out of Caroline Kennedy for recommending this a-hole.


King Obama:  (8:37 a.m.)  Trying to talk to this guy is like trying to build a house out of Jell-O.


King Obama:  (8:40 a.m.)  He still wouldn't admit saying we didn't know what we were doing when we passed the Stimulus Bill was stupid.  WTF!!!


King Obama:  (8:43 a.m.)  He's getting pissed now.  Somebody call the Secret Service.


King Obama:  (8:48 a.m.)  Joe's girlfriend called.  He's not pissed off anymore.  Saved by the bell.


King Obama:  (8:52 a.m.)  Joe left early to hook up with his girl at the secret location.  I hope his wife wasn't listening when he disclosed the address.  LOL.


King Obama:  (9:02 a.m.)  More trouble.  The Blue Dog Democrats are here.


King Obama:  (9:05 a.m.)  Rep. Stephanie Herseth Sandin (South Dakota) is running her mouth.  She's more dog than blue.


King Obama:  (9:08 a.m.)  Boring.


King Obama:  (9:13 a.m.)  Boring


King Obama:  (9:16 a.m.)  Oh no.  I'm getting tired.


King Obama:  (9:18 a.m.)  Help.  I'm getting tired.  I'm getting…


King Obama:  (9:52 a.m.)  HOLY SHIT.  Somebody just smashed a book down right in front of me.  I must have dozed off.  Better do something.


King Obama:  (9:53 a.m.)  Offering them all a beer didn't work.  They're still pissed that I fell asleep.


King Obama:  (9:57 a.m.)  Promised each of them a $500 million stimulus project for their district.  I'm popular again.  Back to work.


King Obama:  (10:10 a.m.)  Can you believe these guys?  I just gave them half a billion bucks and they're worried the health plan will cost a trillion dollars.  Talk about ungrateful.


King Obama:  (10:15 a.m.)  Savings.  Savings.  Savings.  That's all these guys talk about.  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?


King Obama:  (10:22 a.m.)  I just accused them of wanting to ruin my presidency.  That shook them up.  They're mouths are hanging open.


King Obama:  (10:22 a.m.)  I'm outta here.  Drop the bomb and don't give them a chance to respond.  Smoke break!!


King Obama:  (10:30 a.m.)  Hanging with Charlotte from the cleaning service.  Third cig.


King Obama:  (10:35 a.m.)  Charlotte's got a nice ass, unlike my bloated wife.  Time for one more cig.


King Obama:  (10:50 a.m.)  Quiet moment in the Oval Office before the next meeting.  Wish I was back in Kenya..  These meetings suck.


King Obama:  (11:03 a.m.)  That was quick.  Tim Geithner got here at 11.  I asked him if he could do anything about the economy. He said no and left. 


King Obama:  (11:03 a.m.)  Nothing to do now until lunch.  Think I'll check out The Price Is Right.


King Obama:  (11:07 a.m.)  Drew Carey is alright but I think Bob Barker was better.  I guess change isn't always better.


King Obama:  (11:12 a.m.)  I hate Plinko!!!!


King Obama:  (11:25 a.m.)  Must be Brandi's day off.  That sucks.


King Obama:  (11:35 a.m.)  If I hurry I should be able to get in a quick smoke break before the showcases.


King Obama:  (11:50 a.m.)  Made it.


King Obama:  (11:56 a.m.)  How in the hell can you bid $60,000 on a trip to Spain and a Honda Civic?  STBY


King Obama:  (11:58 a.m.)  I called it.  It was only $25,000, less than one week on the Vineyard for me.  LTS.


King Obama:  (12:01 p.m.)  Lunch is served and here's my wife right on time.  She's never late when food's concerned.


King Obama:  (12:06 p.m.)  She's really stuffing it in.  I just saw a spark coming off her fork when she hit the knife.  I just lost my appetite.


King Obama:  (12:08 p.m.)  Never fear.  She's eating my lunch too.


King Obama:  (12:12 p.m.)  Lunch is over and she's off.  Thank God.  Time for another cig.


King Obama:  (12:20 p.m.)  It's a nice day.  Think I'll take a stroll on the grounds and smoke a few more.  The press won't take any pictures.


King Obama:  (12:30 p..m.)  Son of a bitch.  I just stepped in dog shit.  Where's that damn dog?


King Obama:  (12:36 p.m.)  There's Bo, that black bastard.  I'm going to kick his ass.


King Obama:  (12:40 p.m.)  Hard to run and text.  Bo chase.  Mean.  Never kick again.


King Obama:  (12:41 p.m.)  Those Secret Service guys are good.  I'm not sure if dog bites are in their contract though. 


King Obama:  (12:55 p.m.)  Back in time for the next meeting with my new Surgeon General, Dr. Regina Benjamin.


King Obama:  (1:06 p.m.)  OMG!!!  You wouldn't believe what this fat chick Benjamin is saying.


King Obama:  (1:07 p.m.)  She wants to BAN twitter as a public health hazard!!  WHYYYYYY


King Obama:  (1:10 p.m.)  This isn't good.  She's starting to make sense.


King Obama:  (1:20 p.m.)  I'll try and sum it up.  Basically she feels once everybody tweets all the details of their life…


King Obama:  (1:20 p.m.)  they'll realize what a boring existence they lead and want to kill themselves.


King Obama:  (1:21 p.m.)  I can understand.  Most people are sheep.  That's why we have to provide their health care and their houses and their cars, etc…


King Obama:  (1:21 p.m.)  I think I'm going to authorize her to ban twitter.  I better stop tweeting.  I don't what to look like a hypocrite.


King Obama:  (1:22 p.m.)  See ya!!  Smoke break!!!  J



1 comment:

  1. This is ridiculous nonsense. Id like to see Rush Limbaugh's tweet. Considering it would take a die hard republican to come up with this.

    Rush: (5:30 a.m.) Just woke up, dont feel well, need more Oxycontin.