Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward


The System Worked


His Majesty's Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano, has been taking a lot of flak lately for her recent comments about the failed Christmas Day attack on an Amsterdam to Detroit Northwest Airlines flight.  More specifically, she claimed that the fact that the attack failed showed that "the system worked."  Conservative commentators couldn't believe that His Majesty's servant could make such a claim in light of the fact that:


  1. The terrorist's father had warned American embassy staff several times about his son's radical intentions.
  2. The terrorist was subsequently placed on a terrorist watch list but was allowed to board the plane anyway without any additional inquires or precautions.
  3. The terrorist was able to smuggle his bomb onto the flight.
  4. The plot might have failed because either the bomb the terrorist tried to use was defective and/or he didn't know how to use it.
  5. The plot also might have failed because heroic passengers and crew members, who probably don't work for the TSA, stopped the terrorist before he could activate the bomb.


Here at Delta-Man, we try to be fair.  So before you pile on this poor unfortunate servant of the King, consider the following historical examples of systems working:


1.  After the nuclear attacks on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Japanese deployed anti-nuclear attack shields in both cities.  Neither Hiroshima nor Nagasaki was nuked again during World War II.  At the surrender ceremony, Emperor Hirohito declared, "The system worked."


2.  After the RMS Titanic hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic, ship captain Edward J. Smith ordered the iceberg deflectors to be deployed.  During the remainder of the voyage, the Titanic was not hit by another iceberg.  Prominent passenger John Jacob Astor's final words were, "The system worked.  Gurgle, gurgle…"


3.  As the LZ129 Hindenburg burst into flames over Lakehurst Naval Air Station, the crew smartly activated the airship's extensive sprinkler system.  The Hindenburg subsequently landed at the air station.  Radio reporter Herbert Morrison famously exclaimed, "The system worked."


4.  After aviatrix Amelia Earhart landed safely on a remote island in the central Pacific Ocean during her around the world trip, she turned on her newly invented anti-lost system.  As long as she lived on that island, Earhart was never lost again.  As she strolled along the beach of that unknown atoll, she cried out, "The system worked."


5.  After Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was assassinated while riding in an open car, security guards put on the car's bullet-proof bubble.  Archduke Ferdinand was never assassinated again.  Austria-Hungry spokesman Robert Gibbs von Idioto told a group of reporters that "The system worked."


6.  After marauding British troops burned the White House during the War of 1812, President James Madison issued Executive Order 3, an order to ban all British citizens from the White House grounds.  To date, the White House has never been burned again.  Underneath his signature on the order, Madison wrote, "The syftem worked."


7.  After the great world war, President Woodrow Wilson worked tirelessly to create an organization of nations to prevent future wars.  This organization was called the League of Nations.  Wilson's will instructed his burial tomb be inscribed with following phrase:  "The system worked."


8.  After the collapse of the South Fork Dam and subsequent flooding on the city of Johnstown, PA, municipal officials issued buckets and one mop to each city resident.  The city of Johnstown is now dry.  Industrialist and South Ford Dam owner Henry Clay Frick's lawyers released the following statement on his behalf:  "The system worked."


9.  After the destruction of over 490 city blocks by fire caused by an earthquake in San Francisco, the city council unanimously passed a law providing that all city residents be provided with free healthcare.  Street performer and homeless advocate Flower Feldman spelled out the following slogan on the steps of City Hall using biodegradable, earth-friendly paints:  "The system worked."


10.  In 2008, Senator Barack Hussein Obama of Illinois/Kenya defeated Senator John McCain of Arizona in the race for the Presidency of the United States.  Liberals everywhere shouted to the heavens with one voice, "The system worked!!"

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