Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Righteous Lib


A Bigger Man


Until yesterday, I never even thought to question a single decision my man Barack has made since he became President but his appointment of that racist, flat-earther Dubya to lead the relief effort in Haiti is a real head scratcher.  Sending Dubya to help the Haitians is like sending Jack Daniels to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting.  Didn't Dubya kill off enough of my brothers and sisters in the City of New Orleans?  Why should we give this incompetent boob a chance to finish off a whole country?


At least my initial outrage was tempered by the appointment of former President Clinton as his partner in leading the relief effort.  I'm sure Bill will be the real leader of the relief effort.  Dubya is so stupid that he doesn't even know where Haiti is.  From what I hear, when his racist handlers shook him out of an alcoholic stupor to inform him of his appointment he said, "Hate E?  Who's E and why should I hate him?" 


I'm sure the Haitians are thrilled to have Dubya in charge of this effort.  I heard a rumor the Haitian government considered breaking diplomatic relations with the U.S. once they heard about it but that turned out to be untrue.  What actually happened was that the Haitian government filed a formal complaint with the World Court about being forced to work with a war criminal.  Dubya probably won't do anything to help the Haitians anyway.  I'll bet you that he'll spend half his time in Haiti looking for a place to construct Gitmo II.


When I first heard about this I was so mad that I broke some guy's surf board and threw some old lady on the ground who got in my way as I ran off.  To cool off, I took a walk down the beach.  As I walked along, I noticed Diamond Head looming in the distance.  I thought about that massive, old volcanic cone.  How it dwarfed all the modern hotels that the rich tourists stay in..  Diamond Head was there long before the hotels and will be there long after they're gone.  And I got to thinking.


Most people in Barack's place would have thrown that loser Dubya in jail the first day they took office.  That's what Dubya would have done to him.  You can bet on that.  But Barack's bigger than that.  He's like Diamond Head; strong, silent, majestic, towering over all the racist, flat-earthers like Dubya.  Every day he punishes Dubya by proofing he's the best President we've ever had, a claim that Dubya wouldn't dare make.  Even he knows that he was the worst.  That's why he's drunk all the time.  So instead of slamming the guy like the rest of us would, Barack mercifully gives Dubya another chance, a chance he doesn't deserve, to get something right for once.  And to save his sorry ass from his own incompetence, he teams him up with somebody else who can actually do the job right.


After thinking this through, I've learned my lesson.  I'll never doubt my man Barack again.  If he says it's dark in the day and light at night, I'll believe it.  If Barack says dung is nutritious, I'll eat it.  If Barack says CO2 is a pollutant, give me a gas mask.  I'll wear it.  And if Barack says he can reform healthcare without ruining the finances of this nation, I'll back every backroom deal and payoff he has to make to get it done.  In short, I'm done thinking.  I'm putting my faith in Barack.

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