Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Righteous Lib

The 8-4 Project



Now that we've turned the conservative hate-mongers out on their ass, they've turned their evil eye onto new ways to screw up the country without the use of government power.  For an ever shrinking minority, those that remain can be a clever lot as evidenced by Glenn Beck's latest flop, The 9-12 Project.  How this bloated, ex-drunk can possibly imagine that he has the moral authority to give anyone advice is beyond me, but for anyone who's ever listened to his daily three hour hate screed on radio or watched his rants on Headline News or FOX, home of the bigots, you won't be surprised at his nerve.


The mission statement of the 9-12 Project is as follows:


The 9-12 Project is designed to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001.  The day after America was attacked we were not obsessed with Red States, Blue States or political parties.  We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the values and principles of the greatest nation ever created.


Now I might be the only person in America who doesn't understand why we'd want to go back to the day after America got its ass kicked but I don't think so.  If this statement was all there was to the 9-12 Project you might just dismiss it as a stupid rant of a stupid man but it's only the beginning of the weirdness.


Beck takes the date 9-12 and manufactures 9 principles and 12 values that supposedly unite us.  He even goes so far as to use the old "Join or Die" snake of the Revolutionary War era and divide it up into 10 sections.  10 sections you say?  Yes 10, nine of them labeled one through nine for the principles and the last section labeled, 1-12, for the 12 values.  It might be sufficient to note that the section for the 12 values is the snake's ass.


So what are these 9 principals and 12 values?  Click on the link and check them out yourself, brah.  You'll find such priceless bromides as these:


            Principal 1 – America is Good.

            Principal 3 – I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.

            Value 1 - Honesty

            Value 4 - Thrift

            Value 9 – Hard Work


After reading this crap I'm not sure if Beck just thought of these yesterday or if he picked them up in those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings back in the day.


On the expanded mission statement, Beck tries to make some sense of these ridiculous principals.


Read the nine simple (he got that right - RL) principals.  If you believe in at least seven of them, then we have something in common.


In my own small way to help unite our people, I've decided to start my own effort to unite the American people, The 8-4 Project.  I chose eight principals because there are eight main islands in Hawaii and four values because there are four main volcanoes.  8-4 is also my man Barack's birthday so that makes it really smart because everybody knows Barack's the most intelligent man to ever occupy the White House.  Took a home-grown Hawaiian to trump all those racist slave owners like Washington and Jefferson.


So if you believe in at least six of these principals, then we have something in common.


1.      Always wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, especially if you take a big dump.

2.      Never pick up a girl after you've been drinking.

3.      Never lick pancake batter from a hot skillet, unless you're a masochist.

4.      Ugly guys can get hot chicks provided they have a lot of money.

5.      Most guys like girls with big chests, unless they're gay

6.      Paula Abdul is the worst judge in the history of American Idol

7.      Barack Obama is the greatest President in American history

8.      Never listen to a word Limis Ward, the Voice of Experience, or Publicus says.


And the 4 values:


1.      Sloth


I'll finish the rest later.


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