Thursday, August 27, 2009

On the Lighter Side with Limis Ward


My Summer Vacation


I spent my summer vacation on Martha's Vineyard, which is a small island off Cape Cod, Massachusetts.  To be honest, I didn't want to go on vacation because we've been traveling all over the world with my Daddy this year.  I would have rather spent the week at home with my new dog.  Mommy hates my dog and wouldn't even let me bring the dog on vacation.  Mommy says she'd pull a Vince Foster on the dog if she thought she could get away with it.  I don't know who Vince Foster is and I don't think I want to find out. 


Here's a daily diary of my vacation:




We flew into Otis Air Force Base on my Daddy's big jet.  The guys there were really great.  I exchanged a lot of statues and high-fives with the soldiers.  Everything was going great until they told us we were going to fly on a helicopter to Martha's Vineyard.  Daddy hates to fly on helicopters and he got really nervous.  He told the pilot to wait so he could smoke three cigarettes to calm his nerves.  Boy did Mommy get mad.. 


On the flight Daddy was whining like he always does.  Mommy finally had enough.  She hauled off and punched Daddy right in the gut.  Mommy has been eating a lot lately and is getting really big.  I'm sure that punch really hurt.  Daddy doubled over in pain and stayed doubled over for the rest of the flight, softy whimpering.




I had a good time playing on the beach and then in the pool with my big sister and my two baby cousins.  This place is ok but it's nothing compared to Hawaii which is where my Daddy is from.  I would have rather went back to Hawaii but Mommy said we couldn't go there.  She said if we keep going back to Hawaii it will make us look like rich snobs.  I heard Daddy is paying over $35,000 for this place so I don't know what she's talking about.  My sister said I better keep studying because the way Mommy and Daddy are spending money we're going to be broke.  I've been studying real hard and I don't need anything from Mommy and Daddy anyway.  I can take care of myself.  After all, I am eight years old.




Rough day today.  We drove up to a little town on the northern part of the island called Oak Bluffs.  We walked around and saw these neat little houses that looked just like the houses in the game Candyland.  Then we went to some store about a black dog which was really cool.  Things started to go bad when we went to an old wooden carousel.  They told us it was the oldest carousel in the United States..  We were having a good time riding when Daddy tried to talk to the people gathered around the carousel..


Daddy never talks to people.  Instead he reads words off a big box that his employees carry around.  One of Daddy's employees tries to type in words for Daddy to say but it didn't work to good.  People got tired of waiting for Daddy to answer them and they ended up walking away.


I asked Mommy why Daddy always has to read something off a box instead of just talking to people..  Mommy said Daddy is too stupid to carry on a simple conservation.  I told Mommy that I didn't care that Daddy was a dummy.  He's still my Daddy..  I had to go to bed without any supper.




Some of Daddy's employees came to visit today.  You should have heard the screaming.  Daddy called one of his employees, Robert, a lot of bad names.  Robert is a fat, middle aged guy who says a lot of things on behalf of my Dad.  I don't think he does a very good job and neither does Daddy.  Robert yelled right back at my Dad saying that his job was impossible.  I can't wait for Daddy to fire him.


Then Daddy and Mr. E took a long walk together on the beach.  I don't trust Mr. E.  He scares me.  I heard he used to be in the Army overseas.  I bet he killed some people over there.  I don't know why Daddy likes him but I wish he'd just go away.




Another tough day.  Daddy and Uncle were talking politics.  Daddy started complaining that he was tired of the Chinks pushing him around.  My Uncle, who is Chinese, got real mad.  He stormed out.  I'm going to miss my cousins.  They're really cute. 


Daddy had to work again so we didn't do too much.  I don't know why we even went on vacation if Daddy has to work all the time.  Mommy said that a lot of bad guys are attacking Daddy and he has to fight back.  I don't know why Mommy doesn't fight back for Daddy.  She's a lot tougher than Daddy.  She smacks Daddy around all the time.




Today was a lot of fun.  One of Daddy's friends, Mr. Woods, came to visit.  Mr. Woods is a really big guy and is very nice.  He has a lot of money.  He loves to golf and he brought us each a brand new set of golf clubs.  He spent a half hour teaching us to play golf.  I've never played golf before but with Mr. Wood's help I was doing pretty well..  So were my sister and Mommy.  I was able to hit the ball straight down the middle of the fairway about a hundred yards.  Mr. Woods called me "The Natural."


Poor Daddy.  No matter how much Mr. Woods tried to help him he just couldn't get it.  It was really embarrassing.  It didn't help that Daddy was smoking cigarettes after every shot.  Mr. Woods told Daddy that he'd never be any good at golf if he didn't quit smoking.  Daddy just laughed and blew smoke on him.




We all woke up and nobody knew where Daddy was.  Mommy ordered the servants to make breakfast.  It was really good but Mommy didn't look to happy.  When Daddy finally came back, Mommy started yelling at him.  Turns out Daddy went to a nude beach down the road at Aquinnah.  Mommy asked where the beach was in Aquinnah.  Daddy said it was at Gay Head Cliffs.  Mommy went nuclear.  


Mommy's always ripping on Daddy because he's like a girl.  I'm a girl so I don't know why that's bad but Mommy thinks it is.  Mommy's so tough I don't know why Daddy has to be tough too. 


Daddy ran off to play golf again so we just hung out on the beach.  We're leaving tomorrow.  I can't wait to go home.




Daddy was afraid to go on the helicopter again so we took a boat.  It was fun.  The sailors were really cool.  They made me an honorary ensign and I got to drive the boat.  Unfortunately the boat rocked back and forth a lot and Daddy got sick.  I don't think we'll be taking any boat rides again.

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